i don't get it

The title says it all. I don't understand this. I always figured that good times would always come with the bad. And they have, for every time I've been upset or cried or been wronged in my life it has been offset by a happy time where i have received something good or laughed. But my life now does not fit into that mold. Because on the one hand I am going through a lot that I don't deserve to have happen (cancer treatments, living with my parents @ 20, being away from my friends) and yet I have the single handed best thing in my life right now...kinda. I am head over heels in love with my girlfriend, and cannot be with her. She means more and more to me with every second I spend with her, and those seconds are few. I am as happy as I've ever been with a relationship, but it's the hardest one I've ever had to endure. What do I do with this? How do I find a way to make this easier? The questions constantly plague me. And it's that classic question of why do bad things happen to good people, but I understand that. What I don't understand is how I am feeling. Being in love is never easy, anyone who has ever been in love will tell you that. We both just deserve to have it easy, and its not going to be for at least another nine months. And that's a long time. But here is the real caviot, she is totally worth it. I have so many feelings, so much I wanna do, so many things I want to say, and cannot because of a horrible situation. I think that I have so much to say that I can't write it all out right now. I'm going to update this some more in the next few days as soon as I can get my thoughts together

damnit where is that gold

Could you imagine being in a dark cave and shining your light on millions of dollars worth of gold? Well that moment is what Stephen and I were looking for this last week when we went treasure hunting…THAT’S RIGHT we went treasure hunting. We were looking for Deadman’s cave, a cave that is legend to have millions of dollars of gold bars of Spanish origin. The story goes that in the 1880’s five Spanish prospector’s were stranded in a fall snowstorm and found a cave that had been untouched for centuries and went inside to find out that there were five dead bodies in one cavern and in the next cavern lay 500 bars of gold.
Now in preparation for this venture I did the math and found out that of all of the gold was found now, it would be worth over 80 million dollars. And I went with my adventure buddy Stephen. So we set off at six AM, (and for those of you who know me know that this was a struggle) and took off down south. The cave was indeed in the middle of nowhere, which we figured worked to our advantage because not many travelers would be likely to go in the same direction as us. We got to the town of Crestone without a hitch, but there our troubles began. We spent over an hour trying to find the right road to take that would lead us to the right trailhead. We finally found our heading and just to our luck found that there was a gate that prevented us from going any further in our 4 runner. We got out and studied our map and figured that we were a little more than three miles away from the bottom of the creek, and we had anticipated being able to start hiking at that point, but with this gate in our way we had to begin there. This setback set our journey three hours of delays but we began to hike along the road that would take us to the creek, and quickly found that this was a road that offered us little in the way of traction as we were walking on pure sand. We passed a Buddhist temple up on the hill, which offered to be another sign of just how different a world we were in. We stopped many times to figure out if we had gone too far and if the creek had been dried up, and if a dry creek bed would be what we would hike along. But we continued along the road until we did indeed find ‘dead man’s creek’ in an unmistakable placing. This was a huge first step for us to find the creek as we were hiking through hot unshaded sandy desert, and our climate then immediately changed to going away from any path or trail and bushwhacking up the creek with trees to shade us and a cool creek to cool us off whenever needed. We spent the next hour of our journey hiking up the creek just to enter the canyon where somewhere lied a cave with unheard of riches in it. As we rose up in elevation the climate changed many times, we went from sandy desert to thick pine areas. These areas were thick with all sorts of brush, and mining remnants. Stephen pointed out tree stumps that must have been cut with old handsaws, and I pointed out to him old mines along the edge of the canyon walls. We were smart enough to distinguish a cave from a mine. And it was important to do so as mines are known for their instability. We hiked further up into the canyon just as the climate was again changing to thicker plant life and more Aspen trees. We decided to stop for our packed lunch under a large ledge that was similar to the one we envisioned seeing. We took off our packs and chowed on our lunchables, and then to our amazement and somewhat fear we saw a man staring at us from a distance. We immediately went on edge as Stephen and I both agreed that much about many of the things we encountered on this day were odd and made us uneasy at best. The man approached us confidently and we made small talk and Stephen and I remained convinced that this man, much older than us in his 50’s, was looking for the same cave as us. He continued quickly on and Stephen and I discussed exactly what had just occurred. After we had finished our replenishing lunch we looked along the canyon walls to find many mines and a few caves. We found but one that we were intrigued with. We entered it with tons of adrenaline and fear in us. But we entered and explored briefly before we decided that this was not what we were looking for. As we were coming back we found ourselves briefly lost, and discovered just how easy it is to get disoriented in such a situation as this. We consulted our tools and followed our instinct to get back to where we needed to be. Once we had gone back down from the canyon we trudged up the road for another three miles to worn out completely but overall very satisfied at what we had accomplished. On the drive home we discussed what we would do differently if we did it again. Among other things we would make it an overnight trip, and would bring things like GPS with us, in hopes of locating ourselves better.
Will we return again before the summer is out? Probably not, but to anyone that is intrigued by this journey, Email me at StefanZed@aol.com to get more details and if interested in helping with a return trip. Until the next time, keep looking for that gold

love cycle to strive for

What do we as humans strive for? What is it that we desire so much that having it determines in essence our own happiness. I think that when we are young these things include getting that cool video game or bike or even pair of skis. By the time we enter the real world we strive to get the best paying job, that brings out the nicest whip, and the millionaire mansion in the gated community. There is nothing wrong with desiring these things, it is not wrong to be a little materialistic. But the key is I do not believe that u can truly want such things in life without first having ur own life in order. Case in point myself. My goals in late april were to take care of my girlfriend and be a good friend to my friends, I strived for the good grades, the good job, having the dough. But after another unhealthy life changing summer, I just want to be with my friends and girl again. I feel as though often in the past people envied me because I was always apt to have a lotta good friends. But the reason I did is because I saw the good in everyone…I saw how chill bryan’s lax buddies were at his formal, I learned how great E and Dre and B-more were the more we started hanging out, I got to see that neal and his crew was damn tight to just do whateva with. I loved everyone I encountered, and for that I am forever grateful because my friends and those who show me love always get love right back from me, and this is like a domino effect because I can be like “Dude evan ur the man I love you” and he would dish it right back at me, cuz evan is a cool cat no doubt. But then it spirals because evan might be talking about me with some of his other buddies or I might be talking about him with my girlfriend and we could sing our praises to each other so that then that friends of evan’s is gonna show me love too…and like I say ima show love to anyone who shows me some so it’s the cycle of love. And people without this cycle may be jealous of say me, someone who does have a love cycle. So what I am getting at here today is that right now I miss all my friends. I am gonna miss passin them in the halls visiting them in their rooms, or in mine, chattin around with them during meals, playin ball out on the courts, and me getting schooled at it, I am gonna miss not seeing the most beautiful wonderful girlfriend I have ever had and not being able to spend my late nights with her. I am gonna miss it. And I can’t wait to get it back so I can again dream and strive for getting that car that house that yacht, u know tha basics. Holla at me anytime. U know the digits

Why I am

This entry was actually written as an optional english assignment at the end of the year. I came across it last night, and this is why I am going to miss everyone at LC so fucking much. This is proof that I do have incredible people in my life. This is why I am doing everything I can to get back to the life that everyone there made great for me.




A year. It was a year to the day since I felt the pain, since I had no life. It was a year ago exactly that I finished my last chemotherapy treatment. It was April, a month in which I have always had great moments in life. I knew that a year ago to the day I had no life, I had only faint whispers of a future ahead of me. I knew that I had come farther in a year than that of any other year in my life.
It was Friday, which meant that I had two easy classes before I came back to the room to sleep until lunch. Right away when I woke up that morning the thoughts of where I was a year ago came to my conscious. I went to breakfast that morning because I had the energy to for once. Breakfast was always nice if I could get out of bed. It was quiet and peaceful, me Bryan and Brandy. Not much needed to be said, we all lived together, we were all comfortable with each other, and didn’t speak to just fill the silence. After we were done we quietly took our trays over to the trash and went to our separate classes. Communications was simple speech giving, and was something I did not need to pay attention to any further than being physically present. I then proceeded to English and took my usual seat next to Dre. “Sup Dre, we ballin later?” To which he said nothing other than a quiet nod of the head. English dragged through as it always managed to. Dre and I left and walked back to the dorm as usual. We chatted about our situations with our girls which were identical as usual. We hoped the girls both liked us, but they both had boyfriends, and it was out of our hands. We were stuck but the greatest part that made it easier was that someone was paralleling our tribulation. Dre had me and I had him, it was a connection that was bridged by common experiences but blossomed from there. He went to class, I went back to sleep. The next sound that was conscious to me was the usual rapping at the door by Brandy to which I dragged myself slowly, angrily, and casually out of bed and to the door. I slumped to the cafeteria and woke up to the food and atmosphere. We all talked, and laughed, it was the usual. I saw Cassie at lunch and said hi to her. She was having family issues and I hoped strongly that she would be okay. But she knew I was there for her and that I was there for her more than her current BF was. We left lunch and went back to the room. It was a lazy afternoon, I had no work that was pertinent. Bryan and Brandy were going out on a date that night and were just kind of lounging until then. I sat around the remainder of the afternoon and visited downstairs, and upstairs. It was all so quiet and all so peaceful. I sat at the computer and got an IM from Cassie ‘you want to go out to dinner with Amanda and I at Cici’s tonight’. Of course I jumped on it. And joked with Bryan that it was the only time we will ever have dates on the same day in our lives. I went up to Cassie’s room which was quiet as Sara was going to New York that weekend to go see a show. She and I made small talk but I could tell whatever was between us was growing with every passing day. My alarm on my phone went off and the memo read ‘one year free of gayness’, to which I laughed as I thought about it in depth. It almost seemed an impossible feat to be where I was. By all doctor’s accounts I shouldn’t even be alive, and here I was spending time with one of the most beautiful women I have ever met.
I sat in Brandy’s room and waited for Bryan who was running late at his aunt’s house, which upset Brandy. Cassie texted me saying she was ready to roll out. I said good luck to Brandy and ran upstairs to see Cassie who smiled her cute smile at me, which meant a lot to me considering all that she was going through. I put my arm around her as she packed up her remaining items and I joked with her about how much she was bringing for just a few days. We casually walked over to Amanda’s room and went to the car and off to dinner. When we got out of the car the light reflected that of an early evening, the air was warm and perfect for short sleeves, which I was wearing, I looked over at the girl who I hoped would eventually be mine and I couldn’t help but smile. Smiling, finally felt like a natural thing, not a forced one. We got our food, I was hungry so I hoarded as much food as I could onto my plate. We sat down in the packed restaurant at a table that had yet to be cleaned off. But we sat, talked, became more and more comfortable and I could not get over how happy I was. I put my hand simply on her leg. A gesture by any means that is not significant, but to me it was real. It was a real moment after such a long time of rejection, and absence of all feeling. We left eventually to a slowly setting sun. A sun that appeared to be squeezing out every ounce of light and warmth specifically for me, god appeared to be repaying his debt. We went back to the dorms and I gave Cassie a long goodbye and good luck hug, I knew she had a long weekend ahead of her.
I sat down and turned on the TV as Jonathon came in as he and I did our usual light albeit somewhat sarcastic conversation. As nine o’clock rolled around E barged by and said “Come on we ballin now”, and I hurried after. As I walked down to the court I thought about how a year ago I could hardly stand up much less go and shoot hoops with my friends. That day was what I dreamed of when I lied in that bed that most would have called my death bed. I dreamed of the day in which I could go play in the Virginia air, after I just had dinner with my girl. It was why I was able to survive. We got down to the courts and shot. It was me, swizzy, B-more, E, Dre, and Benny. I was the token white guy of the group which made me happy. I guarded E, and guarded him somewhat decently. I played okay, but it was the fact that I was playing and was playing happy that made the journey what it was. We played for an hour with ease, no breaks needed, then after our first sit we went back at it again. And I felt good. Thunder boomed in the distance, and lightning lit up the dark cloudy sky. “KEEP PLAYIN’! ITS TOO FAR AWAY”, one of us yelled. Next fireworks from city stadium shot up from the sky on top of the thunder and lightning. It was like world war three and under it we played, without hesitation. From a third party perspective it must have been an amazing sight to see the six of us under the lights, under the electrical storm, under the fireworks. We thought about playing one last game, no one could decide. Swizzy made the decision, “Come on let’s check it up”. We played again. I jumped high, and ran smooth. I wasn’t running on a leg that once had a massive cancerous tumor on it. I wasn’t jumping on a leg that was almost amputated after massive surgery. I was simply playing basketball on my legs, it was beautiful. Halfway through the game the lightning and thunder dawned dangerously close, to the point it wasn’t safe to be out on the court and a small drizzle came falling from the sky. But it was us, we didn’t quit until the game had been won. The light drizzle quickly turned into a downpour, still we didn’t quit. I yelled “come on boys we got this!” the intensity of the storm encapsulated us all. I passed up to the top of the key and Dre shot the game winning jumper. And as the ball touched the bottom of the net the rain poured as heavy as it I had seen it yet. It was a living metaphor to say that the rain washed away my past. The water cleansed me of any pain I still had left due to the past year. I was finally cured. We walked back together except for Benny who lagged behind and talked on his cell phone in the middle of a thunderstorm. The rest of us walked casually as if the storm didn’t bother us. Lightning flashed all around us and the rainwater turned the steep streets into rivers up to our ankles. As the thunder got closer we walked quicker, until finally one bolt flashed, and instantly the street lights went dark. “YOOOOO” we all laughed and screamed and ran back to the dorm. “WE LOST BENNY”. We laughed at him straggling behind but didn’t bother to wait for him. We got back into the dorm to see the few people who were still around for Easter weekend looking intently out the stairway windows to watch the storm from a safe distance. Our clothes were damp and dirty and we dripped as we walked up the stairs. I went back to my room and took off my wet clothes and put them into the laundry, and sat down and turned on the TV. I watched a good show, and sat in a totally relaxed state on my bed. I called mom and told her what this day meant to me, hung up the phone, and cried. I cried, like I hadn’t done for such reasons of emotions in four years. I cried when I was sick out of disgust and pain for what my life had become, but that night I cried because I had emotion in me. Jonathon came back and watched the storm from my window, and we sat there quietly and contently. I finally got into the shower to clean myself off. The warm water dripped down and soothed me even more than I thought I could be. I got back to the room, where Bryan had just arrived back from his date and was gathering up a few items to take down to Brandy’s room as he was staying down there since Jenn had gone home for the weekend. I turned out the light, and I was alive.
The alarm did buzz early on Saturday but I had no problem getting out of bed this time. I had a good nights sleep by myself and I quietly gathered up what I needed for the day at King’s Dominion. I knew E, b-more, and Dre would already be down there, but I walked down the steps to the flagpole and saw them standing there waiting for the charter bus. They saw me walk down the steps with a spring in my step and I could hear E joke “OK, Aspen’s in the house”. I laughed and agreed that Aspen was ready to go and we all laughed. We split up, Dre and I sat on one bus, B-more and E went on the other. And we talked briefly and I saw Kristyna get on the bus to which Dre immediately started spitting game. I had to laugh at this. As we slowly left for the two hour bus ride ahead, I put my head back my feet up on the empty seat next to me and closed my eyes. I got just enough rest to make it so I wasn’t drowsy when we got off the bus. When we did we were greeted by a warm and blue sky. I had anticipated rain and was overdressed but not to the point that it caused me any discomfort. We got our tickets took a few pictures at the entrance and walked over to the first ride of the day which was the flipping boat which we had to push Dre and B-more to do but it loosened them up so that they were ready to do coasters the rest of the day. After we got off we were all loosened up and ready to have a great day. We walked around the park and felt no real sense of urgency to do anything other than spend the day with each other. We did one more coaster and then walked over to get lunch. Poor Dre was getting joked at all day for working his game with Kristyna. It was all just for fun, I wanted nothing more than to see Dre and her get together, for as I said, our situations were identical, and we were rooting for each other. What is more is that we were rooting for each other from a perspective that no one else could. After lunch we walked over to the reverse coaster and E and I rode together. He was laughing so hard the whole time, and anyone will tell you that E has one of the most contagious laughs around. So he and I laughed as we zoomed across the track and as we finished E turned and almost lost his lunch to which we both laughed even harder. Everyone else ended up in a few cars behind us, and we proceed out of the line and out to the midway games. Of course we all jumped at the chance to shoot a three for a prize. To which E calmly stepped up and knocked down his J like it was nothing. He got his first prize of the day, and we continued on to get more prizes at more midway games. E kept forking over the money to play, but he kept winning at everything he did. After we did this for a bit we headed over to the Tomb Raider ride which E, Dre, Kristyna, and myself did. The weather was getting warm and we cooled off in the shade of the ride wherever possible we sat there and I sat and laughed hysterically at E and Dre talking about their room mate situations with each other as well as E singing Shakira. We got off and I was a little dizzy but we headed over back to some more games. Winning at them was but a formality for E at this point. The clouds quickly rolled in around this time and a storm loomed. Dre, Kristyna, and I did the standup roller coaster at which point we got stuck on the final leg of it for maybe ten minutes or so. So we stood on it talked and watched E and Danielle below us laughing at us being stuck on this ride. Eventually we got off and the rain started to fall from the sky. The rain shut down all the coasters and we walked around the park going to the inside games and Dre and Kristyna and Tasha and I got our pictures taken and put on key chains. As the rain slowly stopped we all grouped up again and set off for a few inside things like the little simulator which was the mildest thing we did all day, which I screamed like a little girl on, and everyone in our group laughed. As we left E asked me why we just got in sex chairs, and at that I laughed. The late afternoon brought a somewhat lazy demeanor to our group and we went to the tower and took the elevator up and spent some time at the top casually looking at the great view of Virginia, it was very lazy, very quiet, and very peaceful very much letting me understand how great my life once again was. Once we left this we lounged around the park and did some of the more mild rides, took countless pictures and did a few games. The sun was setting by this time and we began to talk about where to get dinner. We decided to get something right before we left but we were all too tired to do much else so we sat at the bubba gump shrimp area and took a lot of pictures and talked. Dre and I had a nice long in depth conversation about our girls. And we both agreed that they would be our girls after some time and some persistence. It was the bond that connected us and we built our friendship from there. As it was dark we went towards the front of the park to get some pizza and then we headed out. The night air was that of a dream so peaceful and so comforting. We left the park and went onto the busses. It wasn’t long before Dre and Kristyna fell asleep in the seats across the row. They slept in each others’ arms to which I smiled contently and went to close my eyes briefly before I got a text from Amanda saying that Cassie was upset at home and I was one of the first people she tried to call. I didn’t get any reception to call her but as soon as we arrived back at school, I found a quiet place to call her. I did and the poor girl was in tears over the phone. I listened to her talk, and it made me feel good that she came to me to provide the solace that she needed. I went to sleep after I got off the phone with her, and Bryan and Brandy were asleep in the bed already. I desperately wanted to talk to them and exchange stories about the day but they didn’t move a muscle at all so I fell asleep quickly and contently.
I awoke to a strange sound of a rapping of someone at our door. I jumped up thinking that Bryan had locked himself out of the room but saw him sitting up in bed as well. I took two steps out of bed and then the fire alarm went off. We all looked at each other and I just remarked how creepy the incident was, but we reluctantly went outside around 3:45 in the morning. Everything seemed to resolve itself and we went back to bed wondering but never finding out what happened.
I woke up Easter Sunday to the sound of Brandy leaving the room to go take a shower. I laid in bed for an hour or so drifting in and out of sleep until I finally got up and got in the shower as well. When I got out I picked out an outfit to wear for the Easter dinner at Bryan’s aunts house. The three of us got going and got in the truck Bryan had borrowed for the weekend, and went up to Shady Mountain which was just outside of Amherst. The house was far away from everything else and was a nice little mountain place. Bryan’s family was all already there cooking up dinner. I felt so happy to be welcomed into their home like I was a member of their family. It was a gesture that was done out of kindness and closeness, which I recognized and appreciated. We sat around the house took pictures lounged out on the back porch, and watched Alan tease Brandy. Dinner was ready not too much later and I took a large helping and scarfed it down. As we sat and ate the meal we chatted comfortably with Bryan’s family. These were the people that helped me heal, the ones that made me forget that I ever had cancer, and that is something that they may not know, but I am forever grateful for. We laughed and talked until our meals had all been finished. Then go figure with Bryan’s crazy aunt had us do some yard work. We did it without a fuss but reluctantly as could be expected. We then proceeded to get out the shotguns and I shot some for the first time, which I loved, even though I was miles away from hitting my target. Not too much later after this we all gathered in Bryan’s parents car and headed back to school. The car ride was nice as well and when we got to school his family went to Easter service at our church and Brandy and I went back to the dorms. I sat at my computer and went to see if Cassie was back yet which she wasn’t but E and Dre came into the room and we all got some candy out of the vending machine that had been destroyed the night before, an illegal yet hilarious little venture. Around an hour later Cassie called me saying she had arrived and I went upstairs. We talked briefly about her weekend and I told her about my weekend. We decided to order a pizza which I offered to pay for but she refused. We sat there just her and I, and the very idea of it put a smile on my face. I saw Bryan’s family was leaving and I thanked them from Cassie’s window. They all pointed and laughed that I was already in her room as they knew about my struggle to get together with her. The pizza came and we ate it together, and she made me take the last slice back to my room for later. The afternoon had turned into an evening, and after going down to talk to Bryan he said he was going to work on his school stuff and I nodded and returned to Cassie’s room, and she and I spent the rest of the night joking around with each other as we always did, and I couldn’t help but feel that I was finally cured.

No comment

So here I go again. Down a road that only takes me to places that I hate. This road takes me away from my friends, away from college, away from my girl, away from everything that matters to me. And yet I do not feel sorry for myself. I can't help but think that others always have it worse than I do. But what I am is disappointed. At the end of school I had everything I ever needed or wanted. And now that is totally gone from my life and I don't really know when I am going to get it back. There is no time frame that says that I will be back on track and doing what I want with my life in such a period of time. Next year was going to be amazing. Now not only will next year be totally devoid of me, but it anything that goes wrong for any of my friends is going to make me feel like it is my fault. What I wish is that right now I was back at school with all my friends and especially with Cassie, and I could just do the things that I thought I would be able to do. I hope that everyone else has a great year without me but at the same time doesn't forget about me. I hope that I maintain my classwork so I can still graduate with my friends. And more than anything I hope that Cassie and I do get to do all the things we have planned. If this is the price I have to pay to get all the things I want then I suppose it is worth it, so long as I DO actually get the things that I want. I gotta get my life back soon.

so close

First off, I have been slacking on updating this so to my millions of readers...my bad. But anyway, if you know what's been going on lately then this will make sense and if not then this probably won't but try and stay with me. All I can think about is all the great stuff that I have planned. I have a great summer still planned which should include a great job, visiting with all my friends from home, and trips to wherever I please. So far however, this summer has been the direct opposite. I haven't even been home yet, and I don't fully know when I will get hom although I am hoping that it will be the day after tomorrow. Every moment of every day has been full of stress. And its not the type of stress that I like, its the type of stress that screws up lives. I have been out of school for two weeks and I haven't been able to enjoy my summer yet. Everything has been pretty shitty, for lack of better words. But that being said, an amazing thing has happened. For the first time in as long as I can remember I feel like my future is so close to coming into shape. Things that I imagined doing I will be doing soon. Friends as good as I always wanted are actually my friends now. And when I did go back to Virginia a few days back, I caught myself being so happy so many times in spite of all of the stress around me. And although I wish I could take credit for it the credit must go to those who make me happy. I love my room mate and sean and brandy and jenn and they are what made my trip back to Virginia as good as it was. They are incredible. What's more is this girl. She makes me so happy. The two days I spent with her back there was incredible. I don't think she realizes how lucky I am to have her, and how much I already miss her. And that's where I am so close. Because on the one hand I might not be seeing any of these people for what really would be a very long time. On the other hand, if I can just get that good news, and get the go ahead that I am indeed healthy, then I don't think it would be an exaggeration to say that all of my dreams and goals are going to start to come true. I kind of feel like a dog on a leash that is just waiting to be let loose so that it can run off and chase down something. I am chasing all my goals, I just need to be let go.

Culmination

When things come together they can also fall apart. If you pack a snowball too tightly, pieces of it fall off. Such is the way that the last few days have gone for me. Some things finally have come together for me which in turn has caused other things to fall apart. Anyone who has been deeply involved in my life as of late knows exactly what I am talking about. Others that know me still can probably have a general idea of what I mean. I want to pick up the pieces that have fallen off, and put i back together, but this is an impossible task. I have said it myself that these types of things are a lot of work and are extremely emotional and stressful and wonderful and special and awful all at the same time, but since this is the first time I have been in this situation in well over a year, I have forgotten just how true it really is. I cannot believe that I am going to screwed over again, for if I do, my life will officially be absurd. If things fall apart soon and this summer is a crappy one, than I think it will probably carry over into next year. And I don't want to have the stress of back home follow me out into Virginia where things are going well. Unfortunately I live two lives. One in Colorado and one in Virginia. I wish I could just focus on one right now, but when things are calm in one life of mine, they fall apart in another. I hope its not too much to ask for but, if god reads my blog (and I think he did recently), I would hope I could have two of the best weeks of my life, so that when I go home this summer, things out there won't bother me so much. So....I don't know, it just sucks that it's never easy.

Weighted pessimism

Sometimes pessimism is my best friend. It keeps me from getting too hopeful, or too excited or anxious about all the things that are coming up in my life. I try to remain pessimistic about my trip this summer by saying that it probably won't be that much fun, although I am pretty sure its going to be six incredibly memorable days. I try to tell myself that my grades aren't going to be that good, although I am probably going to be getting straight A's or close. I try to tell myself that my life isn't that good right now, although it seems that with every passing day another good thing happens to me, I catch another break, another piece fits into the puzzle. It is all good, and there in lies the problem. I am fighting a war between my head and my heart. My heart wants to be jubilant everyday, and be excited about everything happening and wants to take everything as it is. My head is screaming for me to stop, settle down, and realize that something will come along soon enough to screw up everything I have working for me lately. So here is what I do: I let my heart take actions during the day and make the decisions about how I live my life, but I listen to my head so that I stay grounded and focused and don't get too far ahead of myself. I hope that my head is wrong, and that that everything will continue on like it has lately, but if it doesn't, I'll be glad I kept my head about things. It is kind of like a hope for the best, expect the worst type of theory for my life right now.

Sky's The Limit

So I usually write when I am in a real bad mood, but I think it's important for me to make a post when I am in a really good mood as I am now. For the record, my life is damn near perfect write now. I got a rythym going. It seems to be all about rythym. I get up (tired because I am stupid and never get to sleep when I need to), go to classes, nap, lunch, take care of business in the afternoon, and then hang out all night, every night. And while I do all of these tasks things just seem to be going my way the whole way. All the fillers of my daily events are making my life that much better. IE the weather kicks ass right now, I am working out and feel myself getting in a little better shape all the time, my workload for all my classes is tolerable, and dare I say it somewhat enjoyable. I go up every night and see my girls upstairs, go to bed at night and talk about all my good things with my room mate and his girl, I wake up and hang with my boyz accross the hall. I listen to music and cruise. I find enjoyment in everything I do. The things that used to bother me seem to roll off my shoulders easier. I feel like I have everything that I want and ultimately it makes me be what I want. If I can be who I want than everything else can fall into place. Its like Biggie says, the mind and the body that it comes in is a terrible thing to waste. So in the mood I am in right now, the sky is the limit.

The Pyramid

I like to rate things. I like to rate people, personalities, situations, you name it I rate it. And this rating system also applies to my life. And how I rate my own life often depends on what aspect of it I choose to rate. There is this pyramid that shows the basic needs of human survival. I learned about it in psychology years ago, Maslow's hierarchy it's called. The pyramid starts with the most basic needs such as the need for survival. The next level is safety. On this level is talking solely about the basic need for safety, like in a safe country or neighborhood. Next level is social acceptance (obvious things apply here). Next level is esteem, and the top level is self actualization. I think at the best moments of my life I was at that self-actualization level. And let me tell you it is like an analogy better than any one ever used. I think at this second I would have to be teetering on social and esteem, but I am climbing. I think that essentially as long as I continue to climb I can like country music....does that make sense?

Gluttons for Punishment

We all have people in our lives that, complain ALL the time. Whether they complain to us or to someone we know, or just seem like they are in a bad mood about their plight all the time I can think of one such person in every group of people. There are reasons for this: 1. I think a religious background can play a role in this. The bible teaches of a suffering Jesus in the gospel of Mark (yes I am learning something in my New Testament class), however, Jesus is the greatest person despite his suffering. It might be possible to assume that when we suffer and complain and see others do the same, it is because they view themselves and ourselves as martyrs. We get a strange sense of satisfaction for "suffering" in our own minds because we think that if we are suffering constantly, or at least if others perceive that we are suffering, then we are (in our minds) elevated to a higher and better level than those around us. And furthermore if we complain to others ALL the time, we might think that others will see us as a better person for it. What these constant complainers don't realize is that no one wants to be around someone who is suffering...PERIOD. 2. With the understanding that people are generally good, and that people generally want to help, constant complainers can garner our attention easily, because people want to try help with complaints most of the time. But not ALL the time. And what the constant complainers don't see is that people, as good as they try to be, will just shut off the legitimate complaints of these complainers, because most of the time it's just pointless drabble about how much their life is terrible. 3. Constant complainers compare themselves to the wrong types of people. Life is always pretty rough if you compare yourself to everyone that has something that you do not, and want. Case in point: Myself. If I only look at all the happy couples all the time, then I am obviously going to be upset that whats her name is still with whats his face, and they probably will continue to be with each other while I sit alone and eat crackers. But, as much as it bothers me I refuse to believe that I have such a terrible plight with the female society, because I look at all those who have it much worse in this regard because they lack social skills that I might have, or they do not stand a chance physically whereas at least I am in control of the weight and shape of my body for the most part. So my point here is that don't always look at those who have it better, and likewise don't always look at those who have it worse all the time either, because no one likes anyone that is happy ALL the time ;) !!!!!

Whats up with ending 24 with an explosion last night....I mean honestly, who does that?

Two theories

I have pretty much narrowed down the theories of my life into two. Possible theory one: God or some entity out there constantly tests me through incredible difficulties, but then makes it up or rewards me by giving me equal wonderful highs. And in the end it all evens out pretty well, which if true, means that I am still owed about three months of incredible highs (yes I have done the math). A classic yin-yang theory if you will. The second theory: I think things through too much. I feel that this one is pretty self explanatory. I try to follow the second theory as much as possible, but for those of you who know me real well, know that it is near impossible for me (a great philosopher of the new millenia ;) ) to not see the obvious things that are quite convincing in the first theory. I think there is a good chance that these things are quite possibly out there so I can try to figure it out, IE a mouse with a piece of hidden cheese, and the experimenters watch as the mouse tries to figure out where the cheese is, even though the mouse will probably never find it...if that makes sense. I write like I talk

Wednesday: Break

AN AMAZING CONCERT LAST NIGHT!! Pigeon John as the first opening act set the bar high. He is one of those guys who was born to perform. He was personable on stage, and I liked how Stephen and I were his focal point for the back of the crowd. The club thought I was 21...Again, so that was pretty cool. Fatlip had their moments, but overall it was a much lower energy than that of Pigeon John. The crowd got re-hyped when lifesavas came out. They were great concert peeps and were real pros on stage. Then last but certainly not least, Blackalicious came out and didn't disappoint. Gift of Gab definitely chose an appropriate name for his rapping skills. I don't know if he even took a breath while rapping whole songs. Good times, good times. I can't believe there were as many kids out as there was, I mean midnight on a Tuesday night isn't exactly recess, but living in Aspen, I have learned that people are crazed. Random thought: Is Jake Gyllenhall really just Tobey Maguire but scruffier looking? Tonight I shall reclaim the court, and lay some bricks down. My Rhymes flow like the river of Colorado! Holla @ ur man, and 1!

First off, the link to the image of Dale malfunctioned due to lack of intelligence by me. Here is the proper link for Dale Braisted. With that error out of the way, today I must get out my feelings on the episode of "24" last night. First off, we all know that killing off Edgar was the "shocking twist" that Fox Promised us, unless of course it was the fact that Kim Bauer grew out her hair. And as long as we are on the subject of The Bauer's (as the welcome mat in front of their door undoubtebly says), does anyone notice that whenever Jack Bauer's name is spoken, it is said as if it referred to the second coming of Christ? Next weeks episode looks like it could be something right out of the Donner party (which I was never invited to) as the previews say that someone in the enclosed room makes the "ultimate sacrifice". Tonight I will be attending the Blackalicious concert at Belly Up Aspen. Belly Up as we all know is the most brilliant, yet most blatently obvious Aspen business move since selling lift tickets at reasonable prices (which SkiCo still has yet to figure out). The lineup for the club this evening: two stand-up shows, followed by a concert by a great hip-hop group. Great moves like this get the Belly Up owner (Michael Goldberg) ever closer to getting out of the lower class of the American Society. If it didn't take money to make money than I think I could be a pretty brilliant business mogul in the Aspen community. I have countless ideas of how I could erase my debt to just about everyone I know, if I were able to have some time to follow through on some of my Ideas. That is all for the first day of blogging, I look forward to the thousands of hits I am sure to receive in the upcoming days, because my understanding is that millions of people read these blogs, but there are only a few blogs available to the public.

The beginning

So today I finally broke down and became one of the millions of bloggers. Why? I really have no clue. I guess it could be that I think that my opinion matters more than that of a Dale Braisted or a Lao-Tzu, or it could be that I have nothing to do as of this moment and am the self proclaimed most impulsive person alive. Either way I think that if I actually stay with this blog than at least a few people can check up on my vast opinions on everything as well as daily events, so let's get right into it...