Why did Britney shave her head?

Good days are rarely reflected on, usually just the bad. It's easier for us to have a good day and turn out the lights at night and say "that's it". Likewise, it's just as easy to have a bad day and sit in bed at the end of it and think "that sucked" or "why does this happen to me"? It's not a fault of anyone who agrees with this, I think it's just human nature. But today was a good day. And I am reflecting on it. I got up fairly refreshed. Had a nice lunch. Talked with my girl and her room mate on the phone as I sat in the sun with the window rolled down in my car. I drove home and enjoyed the CD I was listening to in the car. Sat outside and read Sociology. And grilled a steak, on the roof...end of day. Now that, by all means is the most routine of routine days. Nothing special happened, it isn't a day that I will probably remember specifically down the line. But it is what it is. And it was a good day. And I am changing the direction of my blog (back to it's original purpose), so that I can reflect on days like this. Because, reflecting on this day makes me appreciate it. It makes me appreciate my girl, it makes me appreciate steak, it makes me appreciate JACK BAUER. It was just a day though, unordinary to thousands of other days like it, or of other people's days. But maybe that is the point. Maybe days like today are what it's all about. If one can find beauty in an average day like today, then they seem more likely to find the beauty in all that surrounds them. And perhaps that's what god intended for. For days like this to be appreciated. That doesn't mean that tomorrow may not be horrible, or disastorous, just because I appreciate today, it just means that today was good. It is what it is



PS. The main reason I am reformatting my posts back to more personal experiences is because as my life begins to resume its normalcy in the coming weeks and months, I will have more to reflect/write on. Also by popular demand of faithful readers ;)

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The importance of choosing the right oncologist for treating cancer

I am one of the lucky ones. I have an oncologist who tells me everything very candidly and truly wants/is to heal me and let me get back to the life I once had. But not everyone is so lucky and deciding a poor oncological doctor can, in fact, have the most dire consequences. And as I have gone through this experience thoroughly the following are a few tips that can help in choosing the person that will hold your life in their hands.

1. Don't judge too quickly. My surgeon made a poor and cold impression on me the first time I met her, but she was able to save my leg and remove it's tumor where most docs would have opted to amputate. Furthermore, she is not a cold person at all, quite the oppositte. Like wise my first oncologist whom I had for a mere day seemed very intelligent and i came out of my meeting with her pleased. But she is one of the worst cancer doctors i have ever known, both with patients, after she told me that I should look long and hard at doing treatment as it was probably not going to work, and two with decisions, I have heard countless secondhand reports about this woman and her patients general disregard for her.

2. Remember to ask...would you do this if you were in my position, or would you give this to your child if they were in my position. If they are any sort of honest, this should help. It is a question that will tell you a lot about a doc, 1. their honesty 2. their candor 3. their confidence, all come into the forefront when asking this question. My doctor actually said one of the first times we ever met that he often tries to think about what he would do if his son were in my position, and felt this was the best thing. This comforted me.

3. Find a doctor who has no ego. Well maybe no ego would be a bad thing but you want your doctor to not be stubborn. If a doc believes that he or she is constantly making the best decisions they might be less likely to consult with others who could help you or other patients. There is no such thing as having too much talk about a patient amongst doctors.

4. Establish as personal a relationship as you can with your oncologist. The more the doc(s) get to know you and like you the more emotional attachment your treatment will have with the doctor therefore making it one that the doctor will work overtime to get right.

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Leukemia chromosomal abnormalities

That's right! Those are the kind of words I am getting used to. And as I cannot focus on my all important reading right now, I think I am just going to right out my medical issues or not issues as I understand it. If you understand the following, you must either be a doctor or have cancer, or are just plain smart. I am a 21 year old male with a history of Ewing's Sarcoma. No residual disease is evident at this time from either initial diagnoses or relapse which occured 12 months off therapy. After nine months of chemotherapy for treatment for relapse, a routine bone marrow test was done. The test did not show any evidence of Ewing's sarcoma nor had it at any point. But Cytogenetics tests were disconcerting showing many chromosomal abnormalities. Chromosomes 1, 15, and I think 18 all showed clones. After another follow up bone marrow two months later the chromosome abnormalities were only limited to chromosomes 1 and 15 where part of chromosome 1 had broken off and gone to 15. In effect the tests were improving. Blast levels have always been well below 20% and there is no other evidence of a secondary AML (Acute Myeloma Leukemia) or CML (chronic myeloma leukemia) developing. The only other abnormality lies in routine CBC's where MCV levels have been slightly elevated (avg. 103.0 in a normal range of 80-97.0) but these levels have been at this level for at least 7 months and have not risen that much....

So what does that mean? I don't feel like explaining. But it does make me wonder, do all people who have been around cancer for such a long period of time have such an understanding of things that they can look at such a case, interperet it, and have little or no emotions in day to day reports of such? I don't know that either. What I do know is that emotions do sway opinions. I have always felt it necessary to keep my emotions in check when dealing with such things, although it doesn't always happen, for, I am human. But that doesn't mean it doesn't plague me, nor does it mean that I have no feelings on all these things, it is simply my way of coping. We all have ways of doing so, and what I reported above is not necessarily bad news, its just news. Take it in stride.

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the future of cancer and what battling cancer means

No one has witnessed struggles I've survived. That's the motto im living by these days. A great friend of mine said that happy people have to put up with all the crap that the sad ones do, but just know how to be happy. I like to believe this is me. I believe that if almost everyone I know where to do the pain, the hardships, the day to day monotomy, the extreme sickness, and the distance that I do then they would not fair as well. What i have been doing since late May and for a year prior to that is literally fighting. I fight cancer. But let me tell you what it is to fight cancer. It is the obvious. It is the chemotherapy with hair loss, weakened muscles, tired and achy body, massive weight loss, nausea, and sickness. But there is plenty that "fight" that doesnt get the publicity as those other side effects. I'm talking about the never knowing when your life will look normal again, the changing of your life so that it can revolve sitting in doctors offices and hospitals. It is the averageing five hours of sleep a night. It is the getting looked at with pity by even your closest friends and family when all you want is a look of normalcy from them because nothing else in your life is normal. It is all of the afore mentioned and no one knows or understands that you going through it. It is the waking up for the first time in your life not looking forward to what is to come until they finish their treatment.

Cancer is the disease has amongst the highest publicity but has smal financial backing for the amount of publicity it gets. And that is a statement where one could pretty much plug in any disease and it would still be true

I have seen and interacted very closely with many patients who all have many underlying differences and similarities. One such thing that I have seen happen, not only to myself, but countless others that I have seen is that the "strap on your helmet, cock the gun" attitude is usually there no matter what the chances of life are. But the battle is so long and rough that your helmet falls off and you run out of ammo. This is the breaking point. Nurses and doctors have told me that everyone goes through it, yours truly included. That point is the bottom of the bottom, its where they realize that their life as they knew it is gone, they will never be the same for better or for worse. For me I started over after this bottoming out and clung to the fact that my future was worth this fight. And in the end that is the reason we fight, whether it is cancer, AIDS, or Iraq. We fight for what we have and if, while in that fight, we lose what we have, we either sit and wait for death, or we fight for the future.

The first time I went through all these things I clung to my old life, bottomed out, and chose to fight for how great I believed my future could be. And it was. Which is why when the cancer came back again it felt like the cancer was laughing at me or toying with me or something. So I strapped back on all the battle gear, and am again fighting for what I believe my life can be. My future. Some people are scared for the future some fight for it so that when that future comes and is great the fighters can smile and say that this is what they fought for. The future comes it won't be great because I fought for that future, it'll be great because I will be there to see it.