Why I am

This entry was actually written as an optional english assignment at the end of the year. I came across it last night, and this is why I am going to miss everyone at LC so fucking much. This is proof that I do have incredible people in my life. This is why I am doing everything I can to get back to the life that everyone there made great for me.




A year. It was a year to the day since I felt the pain, since I had no life. It was a year ago exactly that I finished my last chemotherapy treatment. It was April, a month in which I have always had great moments in life. I knew that a year ago to the day I had no life, I had only faint whispers of a future ahead of me. I knew that I had come farther in a year than that of any other year in my life.
It was Friday, which meant that I had two easy classes before I came back to the room to sleep until lunch. Right away when I woke up that morning the thoughts of where I was a year ago came to my conscious. I went to breakfast that morning because I had the energy to for once. Breakfast was always nice if I could get out of bed. It was quiet and peaceful, me Bryan and Brandy. Not much needed to be said, we all lived together, we were all comfortable with each other, and didn’t speak to just fill the silence. After we were done we quietly took our trays over to the trash and went to our separate classes. Communications was simple speech giving, and was something I did not need to pay attention to any further than being physically present. I then proceeded to English and took my usual seat next to Dre. “Sup Dre, we ballin later?” To which he said nothing other than a quiet nod of the head. English dragged through as it always managed to. Dre and I left and walked back to the dorm as usual. We chatted about our situations with our girls which were identical as usual. We hoped the girls both liked us, but they both had boyfriends, and it was out of our hands. We were stuck but the greatest part that made it easier was that someone was paralleling our tribulation. Dre had me and I had him, it was a connection that was bridged by common experiences but blossomed from there. He went to class, I went back to sleep. The next sound that was conscious to me was the usual rapping at the door by Brandy to which I dragged myself slowly, angrily, and casually out of bed and to the door. I slumped to the cafeteria and woke up to the food and atmosphere. We all talked, and laughed, it was the usual. I saw Cassie at lunch and said hi to her. She was having family issues and I hoped strongly that she would be okay. But she knew I was there for her and that I was there for her more than her current BF was. We left lunch and went back to the room. It was a lazy afternoon, I had no work that was pertinent. Bryan and Brandy were going out on a date that night and were just kind of lounging until then. I sat around the remainder of the afternoon and visited downstairs, and upstairs. It was all so quiet and all so peaceful. I sat at the computer and got an IM from Cassie ‘you want to go out to dinner with Amanda and I at Cici’s tonight’. Of course I jumped on it. And joked with Bryan that it was the only time we will ever have dates on the same day in our lives. I went up to Cassie’s room which was quiet as Sara was going to New York that weekend to go see a show. She and I made small talk but I could tell whatever was between us was growing with every passing day. My alarm on my phone went off and the memo read ‘one year free of gayness’, to which I laughed as I thought about it in depth. It almost seemed an impossible feat to be where I was. By all doctor’s accounts I shouldn’t even be alive, and here I was spending time with one of the most beautiful women I have ever met.
I sat in Brandy’s room and waited for Bryan who was running late at his aunt’s house, which upset Brandy. Cassie texted me saying she was ready to roll out. I said good luck to Brandy and ran upstairs to see Cassie who smiled her cute smile at me, which meant a lot to me considering all that she was going through. I put my arm around her as she packed up her remaining items and I joked with her about how much she was bringing for just a few days. We casually walked over to Amanda’s room and went to the car and off to dinner. When we got out of the car the light reflected that of an early evening, the air was warm and perfect for short sleeves, which I was wearing, I looked over at the girl who I hoped would eventually be mine and I couldn’t help but smile. Smiling, finally felt like a natural thing, not a forced one. We got our food, I was hungry so I hoarded as much food as I could onto my plate. We sat down in the packed restaurant at a table that had yet to be cleaned off. But we sat, talked, became more and more comfortable and I could not get over how happy I was. I put my hand simply on her leg. A gesture by any means that is not significant, but to me it was real. It was a real moment after such a long time of rejection, and absence of all feeling. We left eventually to a slowly setting sun. A sun that appeared to be squeezing out every ounce of light and warmth specifically for me, god appeared to be repaying his debt. We went back to the dorms and I gave Cassie a long goodbye and good luck hug, I knew she had a long weekend ahead of her.
I sat down and turned on the TV as Jonathon came in as he and I did our usual light albeit somewhat sarcastic conversation. As nine o’clock rolled around E barged by and said “Come on we ballin now”, and I hurried after. As I walked down to the court I thought about how a year ago I could hardly stand up much less go and shoot hoops with my friends. That day was what I dreamed of when I lied in that bed that most would have called my death bed. I dreamed of the day in which I could go play in the Virginia air, after I just had dinner with my girl. It was why I was able to survive. We got down to the courts and shot. It was me, swizzy, B-more, E, Dre, and Benny. I was the token white guy of the group which made me happy. I guarded E, and guarded him somewhat decently. I played okay, but it was the fact that I was playing and was playing happy that made the journey what it was. We played for an hour with ease, no breaks needed, then after our first sit we went back at it again. And I felt good. Thunder boomed in the distance, and lightning lit up the dark cloudy sky. “KEEP PLAYIN’! ITS TOO FAR AWAY”, one of us yelled. Next fireworks from city stadium shot up from the sky on top of the thunder and lightning. It was like world war three and under it we played, without hesitation. From a third party perspective it must have been an amazing sight to see the six of us under the lights, under the electrical storm, under the fireworks. We thought about playing one last game, no one could decide. Swizzy made the decision, “Come on let’s check it up”. We played again. I jumped high, and ran smooth. I wasn’t running on a leg that once had a massive cancerous tumor on it. I wasn’t jumping on a leg that was almost amputated after massive surgery. I was simply playing basketball on my legs, it was beautiful. Halfway through the game the lightning and thunder dawned dangerously close, to the point it wasn’t safe to be out on the court and a small drizzle came falling from the sky. But it was us, we didn’t quit until the game had been won. The light drizzle quickly turned into a downpour, still we didn’t quit. I yelled “come on boys we got this!” the intensity of the storm encapsulated us all. I passed up to the top of the key and Dre shot the game winning jumper. And as the ball touched the bottom of the net the rain poured as heavy as it I had seen it yet. It was a living metaphor to say that the rain washed away my past. The water cleansed me of any pain I still had left due to the past year. I was finally cured. We walked back together except for Benny who lagged behind and talked on his cell phone in the middle of a thunderstorm. The rest of us walked casually as if the storm didn’t bother us. Lightning flashed all around us and the rainwater turned the steep streets into rivers up to our ankles. As the thunder got closer we walked quicker, until finally one bolt flashed, and instantly the street lights went dark. “YOOOOO” we all laughed and screamed and ran back to the dorm. “WE LOST BENNY”. We laughed at him straggling behind but didn’t bother to wait for him. We got back into the dorm to see the few people who were still around for Easter weekend looking intently out the stairway windows to watch the storm from a safe distance. Our clothes were damp and dirty and we dripped as we walked up the stairs. I went back to my room and took off my wet clothes and put them into the laundry, and sat down and turned on the TV. I watched a good show, and sat in a totally relaxed state on my bed. I called mom and told her what this day meant to me, hung up the phone, and cried. I cried, like I hadn’t done for such reasons of emotions in four years. I cried when I was sick out of disgust and pain for what my life had become, but that night I cried because I had emotion in me. Jonathon came back and watched the storm from my window, and we sat there quietly and contently. I finally got into the shower to clean myself off. The warm water dripped down and soothed me even more than I thought I could be. I got back to the room, where Bryan had just arrived back from his date and was gathering up a few items to take down to Brandy’s room as he was staying down there since Jenn had gone home for the weekend. I turned out the light, and I was alive.
The alarm did buzz early on Saturday but I had no problem getting out of bed this time. I had a good nights sleep by myself and I quietly gathered up what I needed for the day at King’s Dominion. I knew E, b-more, and Dre would already be down there, but I walked down the steps to the flagpole and saw them standing there waiting for the charter bus. They saw me walk down the steps with a spring in my step and I could hear E joke “OK, Aspen’s in the house”. I laughed and agreed that Aspen was ready to go and we all laughed. We split up, Dre and I sat on one bus, B-more and E went on the other. And we talked briefly and I saw Kristyna get on the bus to which Dre immediately started spitting game. I had to laugh at this. As we slowly left for the two hour bus ride ahead, I put my head back my feet up on the empty seat next to me and closed my eyes. I got just enough rest to make it so I wasn’t drowsy when we got off the bus. When we did we were greeted by a warm and blue sky. I had anticipated rain and was overdressed but not to the point that it caused me any discomfort. We got our tickets took a few pictures at the entrance and walked over to the first ride of the day which was the flipping boat which we had to push Dre and B-more to do but it loosened them up so that they were ready to do coasters the rest of the day. After we got off we were all loosened up and ready to have a great day. We walked around the park and felt no real sense of urgency to do anything other than spend the day with each other. We did one more coaster and then walked over to get lunch. Poor Dre was getting joked at all day for working his game with Kristyna. It was all just for fun, I wanted nothing more than to see Dre and her get together, for as I said, our situations were identical, and we were rooting for each other. What is more is that we were rooting for each other from a perspective that no one else could. After lunch we walked over to the reverse coaster and E and I rode together. He was laughing so hard the whole time, and anyone will tell you that E has one of the most contagious laughs around. So he and I laughed as we zoomed across the track and as we finished E turned and almost lost his lunch to which we both laughed even harder. Everyone else ended up in a few cars behind us, and we proceed out of the line and out to the midway games. Of course we all jumped at the chance to shoot a three for a prize. To which E calmly stepped up and knocked down his J like it was nothing. He got his first prize of the day, and we continued on to get more prizes at more midway games. E kept forking over the money to play, but he kept winning at everything he did. After we did this for a bit we headed over to the Tomb Raider ride which E, Dre, Kristyna, and myself did. The weather was getting warm and we cooled off in the shade of the ride wherever possible we sat there and I sat and laughed hysterically at E and Dre talking about their room mate situations with each other as well as E singing Shakira. We got off and I was a little dizzy but we headed over back to some more games. Winning at them was but a formality for E at this point. The clouds quickly rolled in around this time and a storm loomed. Dre, Kristyna, and I did the standup roller coaster at which point we got stuck on the final leg of it for maybe ten minutes or so. So we stood on it talked and watched E and Danielle below us laughing at us being stuck on this ride. Eventually we got off and the rain started to fall from the sky. The rain shut down all the coasters and we walked around the park going to the inside games and Dre and Kristyna and Tasha and I got our pictures taken and put on key chains. As the rain slowly stopped we all grouped up again and set off for a few inside things like the little simulator which was the mildest thing we did all day, which I screamed like a little girl on, and everyone in our group laughed. As we left E asked me why we just got in sex chairs, and at that I laughed. The late afternoon brought a somewhat lazy demeanor to our group and we went to the tower and took the elevator up and spent some time at the top casually looking at the great view of Virginia, it was very lazy, very quiet, and very peaceful very much letting me understand how great my life once again was. Once we left this we lounged around the park and did some of the more mild rides, took countless pictures and did a few games. The sun was setting by this time and we began to talk about where to get dinner. We decided to get something right before we left but we were all too tired to do much else so we sat at the bubba gump shrimp area and took a lot of pictures and talked. Dre and I had a nice long in depth conversation about our girls. And we both agreed that they would be our girls after some time and some persistence. It was the bond that connected us and we built our friendship from there. As it was dark we went towards the front of the park to get some pizza and then we headed out. The night air was that of a dream so peaceful and so comforting. We left the park and went onto the busses. It wasn’t long before Dre and Kristyna fell asleep in the seats across the row. They slept in each others’ arms to which I smiled contently and went to close my eyes briefly before I got a text from Amanda saying that Cassie was upset at home and I was one of the first people she tried to call. I didn’t get any reception to call her but as soon as we arrived back at school, I found a quiet place to call her. I did and the poor girl was in tears over the phone. I listened to her talk, and it made me feel good that she came to me to provide the solace that she needed. I went to sleep after I got off the phone with her, and Bryan and Brandy were asleep in the bed already. I desperately wanted to talk to them and exchange stories about the day but they didn’t move a muscle at all so I fell asleep quickly and contently.
I awoke to a strange sound of a rapping of someone at our door. I jumped up thinking that Bryan had locked himself out of the room but saw him sitting up in bed as well. I took two steps out of bed and then the fire alarm went off. We all looked at each other and I just remarked how creepy the incident was, but we reluctantly went outside around 3:45 in the morning. Everything seemed to resolve itself and we went back to bed wondering but never finding out what happened.
I woke up Easter Sunday to the sound of Brandy leaving the room to go take a shower. I laid in bed for an hour or so drifting in and out of sleep until I finally got up and got in the shower as well. When I got out I picked out an outfit to wear for the Easter dinner at Bryan’s aunts house. The three of us got going and got in the truck Bryan had borrowed for the weekend, and went up to Shady Mountain which was just outside of Amherst. The house was far away from everything else and was a nice little mountain place. Bryan’s family was all already there cooking up dinner. I felt so happy to be welcomed into their home like I was a member of their family. It was a gesture that was done out of kindness and closeness, which I recognized and appreciated. We sat around the house took pictures lounged out on the back porch, and watched Alan tease Brandy. Dinner was ready not too much later and I took a large helping and scarfed it down. As we sat and ate the meal we chatted comfortably with Bryan’s family. These were the people that helped me heal, the ones that made me forget that I ever had cancer, and that is something that they may not know, but I am forever grateful for. We laughed and talked until our meals had all been finished. Then go figure with Bryan’s crazy aunt had us do some yard work. We did it without a fuss but reluctantly as could be expected. We then proceeded to get out the shotguns and I shot some for the first time, which I loved, even though I was miles away from hitting my target. Not too much later after this we all gathered in Bryan’s parents car and headed back to school. The car ride was nice as well and when we got to school his family went to Easter service at our church and Brandy and I went back to the dorms. I sat at my computer and went to see if Cassie was back yet which she wasn’t but E and Dre came into the room and we all got some candy out of the vending machine that had been destroyed the night before, an illegal yet hilarious little venture. Around an hour later Cassie called me saying she had arrived and I went upstairs. We talked briefly about her weekend and I told her about my weekend. We decided to order a pizza which I offered to pay for but she refused. We sat there just her and I, and the very idea of it put a smile on my face. I saw Bryan’s family was leaving and I thanked them from Cassie’s window. They all pointed and laughed that I was already in her room as they knew about my struggle to get together with her. The pizza came and we ate it together, and she made me take the last slice back to my room for later. The afternoon had turned into an evening, and after going down to talk to Bryan he said he was going to work on his school stuff and I nodded and returned to Cassie’s room, and she and I spent the rest of the night joking around with each other as we always did, and I couldn’t help but feel that I was finally cured.

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So here I go again. Down a road that only takes me to places that I hate. This road takes me away from my friends, away from college, away from my girl, away from everything that matters to me. And yet I do not feel sorry for myself. I can't help but think that others always have it worse than I do. But what I am is disappointed. At the end of school I had everything I ever needed or wanted. And now that is totally gone from my life and I don't really know when I am going to get it back. There is no time frame that says that I will be back on track and doing what I want with my life in such a period of time. Next year was going to be amazing. Now not only will next year be totally devoid of me, but it anything that goes wrong for any of my friends is going to make me feel like it is my fault. What I wish is that right now I was back at school with all my friends and especially with Cassie, and I could just do the things that I thought I would be able to do. I hope that everyone else has a great year without me but at the same time doesn't forget about me. I hope that I maintain my classwork so I can still graduate with my friends. And more than anything I hope that Cassie and I do get to do all the things we have planned. If this is the price I have to pay to get all the things I want then I suppose it is worth it, so long as I DO actually get the things that I want. I gotta get my life back soon.